I feel sick. Sick of everything around me.Hate it when I feel like this. Even after attending such workshops? Yes. Coz this feeling is one super-duper powerful one.It all started at a holy place. And ended in my shitty computer. What's the purpose? : God knows. I was always right about this one stuff!Anyway, have learnt to move on. Letting go. *DAMN!!!*
Its been a week and a half since I touched my books, oh-oh touching is not a problem, but going through.All i do is stare or text. Addiction man!
Today is dad's b'day. Happy b'day daddy! And the most weirdest part is, I was the last to wish him before the whole world did. : yep. Thanx to my laziness streak!
I argue, I criticize, I yell, I sulk,.....what's the whole point? Carrying out one thing, venting its anger over something else? I know, this post doesn't make any meaning. All I wanted is to let go of all the things iv buried deep and haven't learn to get over with. If pratheek or vijay anna would have been here, I would have had another counselling session. To escape all that, Ive decided I'll post it up here. Cause, I can bet my life, and tell you, this blog is the only place, I become my self. I cannot be myself outside. My dad expects me to be sunita williams. My mom expects me to be some prodigal kid. My sister admires me for God knows what reason!! Why do they expect so much? Am this lazy kid, who is really scared of physics, and is escaping it as easily as possible, knowing that I'll suffer later. Isn't this sadism??
Like I said. I am not ME. I am not trying to be me too. I am scared. I've lost people I loved the most. People I could talk to forever. People I've always loved to be around. And one day you wake up and realize you've messed it all! That day would come to you like a tsunami, hit you so hard, that you will dare not care for anybody else. And that is exactly what is happening!
Monday.tuesday.Wednesday.Thursday.Friday.Saturday.Sunday.MONDAY! One whole damn week! Drinking coffee (o.k I am still a kid acc to my parents. No alcohol allowed!), acting like am a real time killer, roaming around with friends, and day dream even if am with them!
I wish I had a pill that could cure me once and for all, with my illness. Why are people so happy? No, why are they burning inside and still putting the smile on?
God! I need some training. I wanna learn how you can lie without being caught, how you can rewind time and still waste it, how one can say something to someone and still not be bothered.
There was a week, exactly. 1 week, and that made me the most silent girl in the class. It made me the most balanced girl, one could have met. Cause I thought I had everything I wanted in that one week. And the next week. Things are not the same! Why? And that made me everything I am now. If am talking to disha, I've gotta be telling her anything, with such sarcasm(wet! obvio!) and poor thing, actually bears me. If am talking to K.d, am something, I am into my own world of fantasies and dreams and how one can cry over the past!. He's one guy who can cool me up! And if am talking to Pratheek? Don't ask me! I dunoo if I ever want to be rude, but I hate talking that way. I hate telling him, he one stupid guy I met. I hate telling things I never meant. Shrujan.....my lost lasting best friend too found some shity changes in me. He's the only damn guy on earth to support me even if am killing him up slowly!
This is what is bothering me! I want to be myself! But am not supposed to. College too. Bloody arrogance. I hate it. I hate it when.....ahh man! I've gotta letgo.
All I wanted to write was, Dad even though I've been a really arrogant kid, and pretend not to listen to you, I love you the most.You've been a great person. Me n chinni have no better idol to admire. Happy b'day.
To all you people, who are reading this, and giggling for yourself, yeah saddistic pleasure, fulfill yourself.
To all those who are reading it, and thinking of telling me I am an idiot. Well, I was. Nomore one.
To all those of you, who are reading it and .......Ahh love you guys! No matter how I am...you have always been there. Too many names to write down. But you'll know which category you belong to.
I hope, I'll have a new beginning now. I want to break free from every damn thing that is holding me to the ME now. And then, brush my teeth, get ready and go write a damn exam!

AAhhhhhh not again!!

Love you loads,
Snigdha.


Life is a big mess. Only when you get through the maze you'll find the cheese isn't it?
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