Did you ever wake up and get that feeling that you've spent your 8 hours sleeping deeply without any trouble? Well I faced it today. After almost a year I slept peacefully....
Well anyway, life's pretty much normal now. Just that I am being introduced to a few bitter truths everyday ( who told you truth was sweet? DUH!).
Today was a real perfect day..shine, rain, sultry, today's weather was everything I wanted to see..in a day.
Did a little bit of organic chemistry and maths have an exam tomorrow thought I'd make sure I don't flunk in the exam tomorrow.
Today had many shades. Happy golden shades, sad greys, blacks of regret,angry shades and guilt purples too. Err..did I tell you I love colors?
Happy shade was in the morning. Everything seemed so perfect. And suddenly I am pushed to study...amidst the four walls ..I kinda felt claustrophobic. But like dada says.."What ever happens happens for your own good.!"
I hate that quote sometimes. How can some one feel so good..locked in a room with books no less than 10 cms width and with millions of questions you would kill yourself for joining such a course. But ...*sigh* remember my vow? The "being optimistic" one? Couldn't break it.
So the sad greys have been introduced above.
Regrets top my chart of "What's on my mind?"
I regret being a little too curious. I regret being too sensitive. I regret being there for everyone. And finally I regret posting the last post which persuades me to be optimistic always. Well I still am optimistic. Just that the level of optimism...er..kinda fell down.
Why do things come up so unexpectedly?
Why am I not able to live myself, and choosing what I want..instead of letting people make all the decisions for me?
Well...Tomorrow is the big day. My friend, actually challenged me! O.k I never knew the actual motive behind this but...it is a tough one.
He asked me to behave real good tomorrow and the day after. Instead of me, going and giving a "Wassup?" I'll shut so that I can maintain 2 days of peace for all those people I've troubled till today!;-)
I'll not even voice my opinions if I have any. I'll be the goody girl of the class and will not speak more than what I've got to answer. Wait a minute!!
Wasn't I the one yelling just a few lines ago.."I wanna live my way??"
This challenge...err..wonder why he gave it..but somewhere my mind pokes me and tells me this could be the solution for the CHANGE IN MY BEHAVIOR people expect from me.
Now..this is controversial again..why am I living for others??
Seriously...so many questions popping now..*bangs her head to the monitor* * thanks God cause the monitor's glass didn't crack*...why didn't these questions come when I gave that over confident YES for the challenge?? Sigh!
Anyway..let's end the blues here...anger..well errm...is included along with the regret blues.
Guilt pangs were the most powerful today. Imagine yourself being very sure about a BIG decision you took in your life and someone from no-where makes your believe you committed the worst mistake in your life! Well...Anadit I remember your question..." I thought you aren't influenced by people??"
I still am not. And will never be. At that moment, I felt sick. Sick because I was suppressing my own feeling and growing a feeling planted by some other person! Sick because I let the other person dominate my decisions instead of choosing one myself.
Well anyway...I'd like to leave it and go with whatever life gives me. If It was a wrong decision..then I'd bow and thank God for making me realize what I've done. And If my decision is right, the Whoooooopiiie!
Life's pretty colorful.( You should be knowing it by now!)
These are the colors dominating my life...yes they make it colorful but wish the happy shades dominated it. Well I wouldn't wanna be selfish..a little other shades..too will be fine..but in little proportions.
And yes, I don't want myself to be the only person happy forever...C'mon how selfish can one get?
I'd like to see people happy around me, making each other happy, radiating happiness....happiness which will involve a sense of importance...to every individual....a sense of togetherness....a sense of belonging....something irreplaceable....*sigh*...the life of my dreams!
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