Why is everything so intresting now? Never knew working of the Tangential galvanometer could be so easy..never knew synthesizing paracetamol could be really thrilling..just when I have 30 something days!
I only live on coffee nowadays...and chocolate doughnuts. In a dazed condition. Horribly confused. I'm even waiting for 10 seconds to type the next word. And am totally in love with enrique's voice. Spend my free time only with him. Somewhere..we have a connection..I feel awefully relaxed once he's on my player :). And I have this strange desire now, to sing with him.Wish he was 17. Anyway, my physics and chemistry records are pending. I've struggled horribly yesterday, trying to complete it. Gaurav came home, got me and mum a bunch of yellow roses. It must have been years since I smelt a bunch of flowers. Thanks gaurav.:)
We did our records together. Been to ccd again. Got the same stares I get from those waitors. Ordered the regular. Sat down and started my record. That place does give me a tummy ache, but that's one place I love.I wouldn't mind spending my holidays totally there. Today, I took a few of my pals there, had a doughnut. Got dropped home. And now..in a horrible mood. Am cutting out everyone. No wonder I blog only when am in a nasty mood. I wish I find my road, my direction, and what I really want in life. I wish I could forget shitty things, I wanna start all over again. All the things i did, hurt god knows how many, all those silly things i said, which pissed of too many kids, I wish i could clear out everything. But, life doesn't come with an UNDO option.
Ofcourse, I have an edit option. I wanna run away, to a place where I'll find only my favourite people, nobody else...! Can't wait for exams to get over. Can't believe I am less violent. And yes, I'll still be the same ol' Joey(lol! yeah, that's my new nick name.) with a lil extra humane nature.(just occured. How many times have I told that to myself? GOD! make me stable!Plllzzzz)
Love you all.

Me.

Vote of thanks.

I am trembling. Thanx for making my day a real spooky one. Yes, thank your beloved Karizma too. What was supposed to be a hospital visit, turned out to be a nightmare. Thank you Mr.Karizma for scaring me out of my skin. Thankyou, the rest of you, to think it was a once-in-a-life time experience. And thank you, for curing me from the fear, I've had since my kinder-garten. And thankyou God for not making me meet youknowwho, cause I know I would have been another freak after that(yes, I get a complex when am with youknowwho, (more)taller,stronger and sharper.). Thank you, for making me a psycho today, and also thank you for bringing me back to normal. Thank you for making me realise I deserve better things in life, be it anything, I deserve BETTER things. Thank you for making me such an unstable being, that I never really understood what I did all my life. Thank you for making me a peaceful human being today, cause I've been smiling since morning, hugged my mom like five times, and although missed out youknowwho, Nik made my day, went to see my friend who broke a toe and is in the hospital. And yes, thank you for making me a born liar. Amen.

Whatever!

I want to break free from everything pulling me back to be somebody else. I want to live in peace. I hate my conscience. I wish I didn't have one. I don't want to be rude and arrogant.
All I want is people to accept me the way I am instead of correcting me all the time. Let me live!

Letter to santa.

I was watching a movie on HBO in the afternoon, Dennis the menace or something. Reminded me of my 2nd class, when dad used to call me a "female dennis". Hated it when he used to nickname me. Anyway, I hit upon an idea of writing a letter to santa. Okay, I know. There's no such santa and blah blah blah. Its my belief innit(learnt it from Z! :P)? This christmas,( I feel like a six year old now. :)) I've decided to send a long list to dear santa..hope he doesn't deliver the pesents late...aah never mind!
To dear Santa,

I have always been fascinated by your existence. You are really 150 years old or your beard is a real one, I don't know. But since my childhood, I've always stared out of my bedroom's window to catch a glimpse of your rein deers and you and your bag full of presents. I love your reindeers actually, and the bells jingling, aahh..love the christmas spirit.I know, I have been a good girl and a bad girl this year, Do I have to be a good girl to ask for my presents? If not, can I get them next year? Okay never mind. But please please eat the cookies I've kept near the window.I'll make them myself, okay? Oh oh, yeah my sister wanted to drop a hello too. But this letter is entirely BY ME! Ok, may be you could drop a few presents for her too. Well, can I start my list now? Cause I don't want to forget anything. And to be honest santa, I knew it was dad who kept those presents under the tree.But, I still believe in you.You are the main reason why christmas is soo exciting. :):)
1. Please get me a new phone, not nokia though. God, Nokia is sooo irritating.I DON'T want an I-Phone.Any other phone, with a proper camera, a good design, and easy an comfortable to use. :: uhh..yeah. That's all with the phone thing.
2.Please, make me 3 more inches tall. I feel like a kid in my class. Drop some secret potion which will make me taller, stronger, sharper. (Okay! NO horlicks. I hattee horlicks.)
3.Please, drop me a nice laptop, oh no, I can have that later, okay okay drop me a nice i-pod. A proper Apple I-pod.
4. Drop me a pic of yours, your house in the north pole, and your reindeers too.( Psst can you take me there sometime?)
5. I know,all these are materialistic. But can you really give me something immaterialistic? If you can, then please please, drop soo much of love potion on my country, that you'll find love everywhere.(Didn't mean anythign gross. Think of it from an innocent kid's brain!!)
6.Please, see that the idiots of my class, yeah, they must be reading this now, do not trouble me, and let me live my life.I hate hate (ooops Did I just say the H word?? haaaaaawwww!) it when they cross limits and comment about me being weird and blah. No, let's make it easy. Let me not bother. I wanna be free from those ppl. I know they don't deserve to be talked to. :) But, aah, give them somebrains and drop a lil x-mas spirit in them too. Bah. I can't act rude too.
7.To mum,chinni,aarthi,jahnvi, disha,malu,rachana(i haven't seen her til now. but she's sweet something.:)), and all the other girls I call my pals, I couldn't have possible written your names here,but yeah,them all, please please grant them their wishes too. They are the best people I've met on earth.:)
8. To dad,rahul,shrujan,amal,shiva,pratheek,anna,varoon,and the gang, aahh...all of them too, please grant them wishes too. Amazing ppl again! :)
9.I want nice shoe too. I don't care if converse suit me or no. Hell, I WANT converse. I'll do with ballerinas too. Oh, loads of good books too.
10. Please make me responsible, loving, determined, and please please make me a nerd!! Oh..a smart nerd, :p please..please. And please see that All my wishes come true.psst: could you, could you please drop a hi to lewis hamilton too. Love his speed n him. Plz plz..ohh yeah please see that a few of my friends..you know, THEM, get normal and live happily instead of cribbing. And, I know..they are not the same once they are out of their computers. Whateva, make them normal. That's all.
Thanks a loot santa. I hope, you'll fulfill all of the above. Uhh..did I ask a lot? Please please see to it that I also achieve my dream (heheh!) after 12th. PLease please, if not all the above stuff, let my dream come true! I'l bake you more cookies the next christmas then.:)
I hope you really fulfill them.
I'll try and be as good as possible the few years. Unless, some dumb jack, or jill provokes me.
Ho ho ho ( why do you sat that by the way? What is your mother tongue actually? Why don't you stay in the south pole? What do you eat for lunch everyday? Why do you give free gifts actually?)
Merry christmas santa! love you loadss...no really, not only for the gifts,beard,or rein deers.

loots of love,Snigdha. (If you come home and find a fair, cute, doll-eyed girl, with shiny black hair, and an amazing smile, then that's my sister. Watch out! Don't drop the presents in front of her. drop them behind the tree okay?)
--**---**---***------***----**---**--

I feel sick. Sick of everything around me.Hate it when I feel like this. Even after attending such workshops? Yes. Coz this feeling is one super-duper powerful one.It all started at a holy place. And ended in my shitty computer. What's the purpose? : God knows. I was always right about this one stuff!Anyway, have learnt to move on. Letting go. *DAMN!!!*
Its been a week and a half since I touched my books, oh-oh touching is not a problem, but going through.All i do is stare or text. Addiction man!
Today is dad's b'day. Happy b'day daddy! And the most weirdest part is, I was the last to wish him before the whole world did. : yep. Thanx to my laziness streak!
I argue, I criticize, I yell, I sulk,.....what's the whole point? Carrying out one thing, venting its anger over something else? I know, this post doesn't make any meaning. All I wanted is to let go of all the things iv buried deep and haven't learn to get over with. If pratheek or vijay anna would have been here, I would have had another counselling session. To escape all that, Ive decided I'll post it up here. Cause, I can bet my life, and tell you, this blog is the only place, I become my self. I cannot be myself outside. My dad expects me to be sunita williams. My mom expects me to be some prodigal kid. My sister admires me for God knows what reason!! Why do they expect so much? Am this lazy kid, who is really scared of physics, and is escaping it as easily as possible, knowing that I'll suffer later. Isn't this sadism??
Like I said. I am not ME. I am not trying to be me too. I am scared. I've lost people I loved the most. People I could talk to forever. People I've always loved to be around. And one day you wake up and realize you've messed it all! That day would come to you like a tsunami, hit you so hard, that you will dare not care for anybody else. And that is exactly what is happening!
Monday.tuesday.Wednesday.Thursday.Friday.Saturday.Sunday.MONDAY! One whole damn week! Drinking coffee (o.k I am still a kid acc to my parents. No alcohol allowed!), acting like am a real time killer, roaming around with friends, and day dream even if am with them!
I wish I had a pill that could cure me once and for all, with my illness. Why are people so happy? No, why are they burning inside and still putting the smile on?
God! I need some training. I wanna learn how you can lie without being caught, how you can rewind time and still waste it, how one can say something to someone and still not be bothered.
There was a week, exactly. 1 week, and that made me the most silent girl in the class. It made me the most balanced girl, one could have met. Cause I thought I had everything I wanted in that one week. And the next week. Things are not the same! Why? And that made me everything I am now. If am talking to disha, I've gotta be telling her anything, with such sarcasm(wet! obvio!) and poor thing, actually bears me. If am talking to K.d, am something, I am into my own world of fantasies and dreams and how one can cry over the past!. He's one guy who can cool me up! And if am talking to Pratheek? Don't ask me! I dunoo if I ever want to be rude, but I hate talking that way. I hate telling him, he one stupid guy I met. I hate telling things I never meant. Shrujan.....my lost lasting best friend too found some shity changes in me. He's the only damn guy on earth to support me even if am killing him up slowly!
This is what is bothering me! I want to be myself! But am not supposed to. College too. Bloody arrogance. I hate it. I hate it when.....ahh man! I've gotta letgo.
All I wanted to write was, Dad even though I've been a really arrogant kid, and pretend not to listen to you, I love you the most.You've been a great person. Me n chinni have no better idol to admire. Happy b'day.
To all you people, who are reading this, and giggling for yourself, yeah saddistic pleasure, fulfill yourself.
To all those who are reading it, and thinking of telling me I am an idiot. Well, I was. Nomore one.
To all those of you, who are reading it and .......Ahh love you guys! No matter how I am...you have always been there. Too many names to write down. But you'll know which category you belong to.
I hope, I'll have a new beginning now. I want to break free from every damn thing that is holding me to the ME now. And then, brush my teeth, get ready and go write a damn exam!

AAhhhhhh not again!!

Love you loads,
Snigdha.


Life is a big mess. Only when you get through the maze you'll find the cheese isn't it?
********************************************

Life: Living in freedom and enquiry.

* breep breep breep* Uh-oh. I forgot to switch my phone into Outdoor once again. Its vibrating vigorously in my pocket, and I took the call. It was sulekha auntie, the only woman on earth to understand me, and catch the exact meaning of what I am talking(My mom still thinks am a kid, so she's pretty possessive.). So, we got chatty and all, and suddenly she tells me about this workshop, to be conducted by Swami Sukhabodhananda. OK. Don't give the *uh. Bowrrriinnng* look. Half of the time, I was wondering why should I be doing this work-shop and the other half , my mind ate me up with curiosity. On the day of the work-shop, I mentally prepared myself for facing it.The *khat kaht* auto sound, added to the background music of my thoughts, made me much more irritated. Sitting beside two aunties, who kept talking on why the terrorists wanted to kill people in mumbai, and blah blah is one pain in the neck believe me, if they don't let you express your ideas. No, seriously. After reaching the place, I got down, gave a big *yawn* and stepped inside the hotel. Whoa! What am I seeing? Grandparents, Parents, everybody above 20!!! A little while later, we had to assemble outside the hall, for a quick get-to-know-your-neighbour session. And that was when GOD took sympathy on me, and a guy just 4 years elder to me walks into this session.At least I was not alone now. Phew! May be 20, bah, he looked like a teenager at least!
Pratheek, down to earth,simple,loves being sarcastic especially to me(I hate you for that!) Loves shades. Lol. OK OK ..back to the gathering. We had to meet as many people as we could and introduce our-self. We did this 3 times till everyone felt they knew the whole group. It was a real nice way of opening up to the crowd. I never felt the Stomach-full-of-butterflies symptoms later. Oh yeah. You should have guessed by now. I was the youngest of all..And, Thanks to my obsession of losing weight even though I am under-weight for my age, I was pretty OK compared to the people there. So I was the lean sixteen kid, in between the "Old is gold" people. oh, without considering Pratheek that is.
While we met the crowd, had fun, and got back inside, I had to settle down in the second row and wait for Swamiji to start. Meanie pratheek found himself a friend and got cozy with him. :P Lol. Didn't mean the other way.
Swamiji, began his session with the Navarasas. And how one could lead a balanced life, having all these rasas(Qualities.). The best part about him is that, unlike all other swamiji's of his age, he's really a playful swamiji. Really modern, updated person, and immediately caught my attention.
As he went on about spirituality, my thoughts went deeper, and clearer. All we are supposed to do is have a bucket list. And work on it.
The first day, went on like this. Spirituality, Life, meditation and question and answer session.
One thing that worked tremendously is, how can one control their negative emotions?
He gave a short story. One day, a man came running into the 15Th floor of a building, yelling, "Sharma! Sharma! Your daughter ran away!"
Close by in one of the houses, was a man drinking his coffee. As soon as he hears it, he gets very angry, and jumps off the building.
As he jumped, when he reached the 13Th floor, he realized, he didn't have a daughter!
At the 8Thfloor, he realised he didn't get married to have a daughter!
At the 4rth floor he realized the man was yelling to sharma!
At the 1st floor, he realized HE WASN'T SHARMA!!
Now, when he jumped off the building, it was a reaction. A senseless reaction. Most of us, react that way in life. Either by being provoked or by giving the other person permission to hurt you easily.
Someone once said, "You are hurt by some-one insulting you, only when you give the person full permission to hurt you!"
True.
Throughout the day, he spoke about, how we can prioritize things in our life, and how we can stop being so judgemental and serious.
I was dying with boredom in the breaks. I wanted to stay back and talk to swamiji, but I had to get out, cause I was supposed to MIX around with people. Whatever! I hardly spoke to anyone after that. And Lunch time! Ah. I met one of the two best people, I met at the workshop. One i already met, pratheek. Another Anna, Vijay, 24,got along well with me. He was a great source of info. I literally chewed up his brain and he was really patient. :P, and we 3 hit it off really well. People who were around us, asked curiously, "So, kiddos, which school are you guys from?"
yes, they didn't look their age, neither did i. :D
The day went on. Got exposed to real great stuff. Felt great by the end of the day, and came home enthusiastically. The uncle who offered to drop me and auntie home, asked me, "Snneegdha! How come you have proooblleeems? You are still a baccchi, hain na?(you are still a kid right?)"
I gave him a straight face, and tried explaining it to him that, every being has a problem. The level of problems may vary, but when you round up, it still is a prob.What may look like a problem for you, might not be a problem for me! He finally gave up convincing me. Lol.
Today was the second day. As usual, met both the guys, headed to the hall, and fullswinged into spirituality. Today was entirely on meditation and how one can benefit with it.
My legs ached, went numb, and got back to normal again. It was a wonderful experience. That was the first time I meditated without being interrupted. :P
Pratheek literally slept. I died laughing . When I shook him up, he got up with an expression of a ghost chasing him! And argues," I haven't slept. I was just too involved." After two mins, asks again, " have I really slept?" with a straight face.:P
Me and vijay anna burst out laughing. Oh, and we have so may other activities. One of the activities I loved was to spread love. While we were meditating, somebody came and placed flowers in front of us. After waking up, we were supposed to exchange that flower with as many people's flowers as you can. Lol. And I still have three now. :)
By the end of the day, we were bursting with energy. We danced on Britney spears, (OK. Nothing great but, imagine "old is gold" people dancing on a ENGLISH song. Its a one in a million moment when you watch them dance.) We went mad. Swamiji himself was dancing. I did the moon walk, and stopped it immediately when both my friends gave me the " this is a carpet OK?" stare. :P
Anna was really nice. He gave me full counselling when I asked him about applying for foreign universities. Real downtoearth, quick witted :P, and has an amazing way of tackling things and problems.Looked peaceful.:)
The workshop was fun. I've learnt a lot from this. I bet, nobody in the world wouldn't have had as much fun as I had! Learnt about Kundalini, the chakras in the body, how one can activate them etc. Life program is a once in a lifetime experience! Awesome, amazing work-shop. A great motivator, swamiji is. Loved his stories.
At the end of the day,I got out, got hugged by people I cared for. Promised them I'll meet them the next time too, and me and my new gang, :P, went to a better place to celebrate our "get together" :p.
But seriously, unless you don't get into the comfort zone of a person, you never get to know them well. But we got along really well. 2 of the best people I spoke to, here. :) exchanged numbers, spoke about our future, and laughed aloud when there was this lady who was being reaaal nice to Anna, and me and Pratheek trying trying really hard to make anna and that woman to talk, lol, weird i know, but fun! Teased each other, rolled down laughing. Ah!
We've got lots to share now. It will continue, no matter what. Swamiji conducting work-shops, and me attending them, and finding both these people there too. Yep. Fun and spiritual well-being.
One lesson I learnt here is, Love is the music of life. Don't pretend or be a loner. be open. Be positive. And learn to accept things the way they are. You are nobody to decide how things should turn out. And above everyone of us, there is a supreme power acting, the God almighty himself. And, that power is undamageble. :)

( I was supposed to share the whole thing I learnt actually. I know. Most of the people i talk to run away, on hearing the word Spirituality. Or, they consider themselves to know everything. I thought I'd write my experience there and how I loved each an every moment I spent there, wit h swamiji, with the people, and with myself. Truly an enlightening experience. Thank you auntie for introducing me to this. Owe you loads.)

HARI OM!

What's going on?

I haven't seen anything as worse in my life. I am still stuck to the google-news while posting this. Mumbai has been under the attack for 24hours! And the Mumbai police is supposed to be the best in the country! 120+ have died.300+ injured! What's is happening? Apparently, these terrorists, call themselved the Deccan Mujahideen, came to the city through a smuggled boat from Porbandar. Now, last night when we sat in front of the t.v watching what was happening, one question literally chewed up my brain. What do these people want? What's the whole point of the attack? Indian army vs a puny group of millitants? Either they could break away from the security cover and escape(Impossible!) or they get killed. So what's the whole point actually?

They got into the Taj hotel, killing the security guards, before that, they were at CS terminal and leopold cafe where they killed a score!

And oh! The way they bombed Taj! And then got into Oberoi.Its pretty scary. Sometimes, attacks like these will get you thinking about your own safety. Infact, the world itself is such an unsafe place! We can't escape can we?

Firing continues. People are killed. Hostages are under the threat. No food for them. Smoke filled hotels. Several attempts are made to save them, but every half-an-hour you hear a gun shot. Man! Am tired. The last time I got so curious about an attack was the Virginia Tech one.

From 7'o'clock in the morning, I have watched each and every news channel, claiming to be the first channel to broad cast live pictures. I have seen people run helter-skelter. Relatives crying.

Why is all this happening? Oh, the silliest part. They have attacked, to stop the Muslims being insulted! And for that they attack the 5star hotels of the city?

They've demanded a ransom. Bloody sure it would be more than 10 crores.
Seriously, I have asked a million questions since morning! Won't they ever feel hunger pangs daddy? Won't they feel sleepy? Aren't they scared they will be killed, nanna? Why have they targeted Mumbai? Ma,what's the whole idea actually?

I am surely not tired of asking questions. But my parents have threatened to throw the T.v and the computer into the hussainsagar, if I continued asking questions. I then realized, I love my computer more than anything else.:

I am shocked actually. Look at the guts! Ak-47s and loads of ammunition, and killing people like you were playing one of those games, Condition zero and Counter-strike!

But, Hope's left.

"We live by chance,

Love by choice,

Kill by proffession."

Indian Army. They have an action ready for every thing. They are slowly, closing in, surrounding the hotels. If the situation can be changed it's only in their hands, and guns ofcourse.

I hope, its all over by tonight. Even though I am miles away from that city, its like as if its happening at one of the parts of my city. Yeah. Weird.

"Forgiving a terrorist should be left to GOD. But fixing their appointment with GOD is entirely our responsibility!"

-The Indian Army.

Got it. Its your job guys.

Sometimes, you can't resist posting stuff like this, even though there are people reading it and cursing.

Ok, like "Who cares!" ha!

Let peace prevail!